omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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