if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
