i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
