I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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