all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
