Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
