My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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