The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
