I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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