in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
So squirting runs in the family.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
