I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
