So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
