Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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