laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
