I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
