Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
