I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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