Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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