I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
