dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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