Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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