I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize