but the lizard people decide everything anyway
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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