Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
