It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
