Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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