We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
