so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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