That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
