ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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