My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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