Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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