I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
