Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
