Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize