I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize