Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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