please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
