hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
