he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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