I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
