Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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