You were right. It hurts to walk today.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize