I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
