yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
