woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
