If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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