You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
