I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
