she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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