I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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