why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
