dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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