Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
