You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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