what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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