you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
