my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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